Mediation – a Novel Approach to Divorce, Custody &
Support By Baroness Juliane
von Schmeling, MBA, EJD
If you haven’t been through it yourself, you certainly know
of somebody who has been - an awful divorce. The nightmare of two
people, who at some point decided not wanting to share space and time anymore
and then went down a spiral of no return. Not only did emotions run array, but
finances and credit history got destroyed in the process as well. Incidentally,
there are always two winners, too
- their respective
attorneys.
People make the devastating mistake to consult an attorney
in the early stage of a divorce, a stage when they are not emotionally ready to
make any rational decisions, perfect prey for savvy attorneys with their own financial
agenda. Of course, there are a few noble attorneys interested in preserving a
family’s sanity and financial wellness, but they are hard to find.
Unfortunately too many couples still get married without a pre-nup.
Generally, after consulting an attorney, especially in the
initial stage of rage or outrage, there is often no way to return, review,
forgive, regroup, or whatever it may take. The attorney will have made a
laundry list of motions to file, things to do, demands to make, that will infuriate the other party to
shop for a “meaner”, more expensive attorney, to “get back” at him or her, to
protect assets, at least one is let to believe that certain assets need
protecting, when existing laws already do that, but you don’t hear that during
the initial visit. All you hear during that first, fatal visit is “this is my retainer” and “this is “our” plan of attack”.
Before embarking on this lengthy, life altering trip it is
important to understand that there are four distinct phases of divorce -
Emotional, Social, Financial, and Legal. So often during those early
phases of divorce consideration couples should have a chance to return to
married life, after cooling down, reconsidering, forgiving, and/or consulting
with an educated, experienced counselor. Revisit your marriage vows. Think of
your children and their upbringing. Make allowances for indiscretions, not
condoning them, of course, but dealing with them, set new or adjusted ground
rules. As bizarre as this may sound, a little indiscretion can go a long way for
an alpha male or a female you needs a little pizzazz and admiration in her
life.
If one or both indeed chose to proceed with a divorce, the
legal phase should be the last stage in the proceedings and should be the one,
the only stage in which to consult with an attorney. Even then the internet has
made it easier to prepare the necessary legal papers by yourself as your own
attorney, known as ‘Pro Se’ filings.
There are many alternatives, many professionals, who are
trained to seek amicable, intelligent, constructive solutions, to help you
through phase one to three. They are therapists and counselors, priests and
other clergy, advocates and mediators, financial consultants, etc. Again, keep
in mind, there are good ones and bad ones in those professions as well. Ask
around, request a free initial consult to get a feel, if you could work with a
respective individual or ask for references.
Not until Phase Four do you really need an attorney. If both
of you paid attention to your “alternative sources” you can actually get away
with using only ONE attorney, i.e. splitting the cost. This one attorney can
file your papers with the local courthouse. Or you file ‘Pro Se’. Done and
over.
Please don’t think that I think it’s that easy. It’s not.
But if you keep in mind, that your children are more important to you than
revenge, if you think maintaining a certain acquired life style for you and your children or just for
you (and your estranged) better half,
is more important than “getting even”, then you will chose to go the
intelligent route.
A mediated divorce with a qualified, experienced mediator
will on average cost about 80 - 90% less of what a traditional divorce would
have cost the same couple with two attorneys. More importantly, it will leave
the divorcing couple in much better shape, emotionally and financially. It will
also be far less traumatic for children, regardless of their age. And lastly,
due to the existing legal bureaucracy and back logs it will also be much
faster. This technique has been used successfully for decades in Europe and for
a while now in California, and is popping up in other states, largely due to
advances in internet commerce and social media.
No way out – or is there? Baroness
Juliane von Schmeling, MBA, EJD
No situation is hopeless. Granted it’s easier when you are
being beaten. People who are in psychologically, emotionally, or financially controlling
or abusive situations know what I mean. I often hear this: “At least, if I was getting beatings, I would
I have bruises to show for”. And yes, that is a truly sad statement, but it is profoundly
true. The law can help a physically abused spouse and grant her or him and the
children legal protection (PFA) and there are many shelters available for
temporary shelter and transition, while prosecuting and punishing the
aggressor. Sounds easy. I assure you, it’s not meant that way. But in
comparison to the other types of abuse that make a spouse feel hopeless,
imprisoned and desperate, it is.
These situations don’t need to be hopeless, though. They
just involve a little more intelligent planning. They might also take longer to
escape, but they are by no means hopeless. Find somebody who you can trust. If
you don’t have access to family or friends to fall back on for whatever reason,
find a professional.
Some will work on a contingency fee, if you (truly) can’t
afford to pay a retainer.
Regardless, you need to make a detailed plan and follow it
to the “T”. If you don’t have a job, line up something, anything. Go online for
obtaining various certificates, fall back on old job training, skills or
degrees, find companies online that will allow you to work for them online, or
set up your own service through Skype
(www.skype.com). Sign up with a
volunteer organization that will get you out of the house or the usual circle
of friends, controlled by your “controller” and also possibly get you some
skills for future job search.
Line up child support for the day you vacate the premises
with your children. You can’t file for support as long as you live at the same
address, but you can, once you have an independent address. You can also
prepare yourself for all the questions and answers you will be asked by DRS
(see sample form, no longer used by DRS because all data is directly entered by
the intake officer during the initial interview, but it helps to get prepared
for that interview go to: www.TheBaroness.biz click on the button “Forms”,
scroll to the one named “Support Intake”). If necessary secretly collect income
information for several months, get copies of savings account statements,
copies of retirement, life insurance, 401K, and alike statements for about 6
months, just collect copies of anything and everything that could proof income
and assets of the other party. Don’t worry about trying to understand any of
these forms, especially if that’s not your forte, just get and collect them.
They will be handy to have later on, when you won’t have access to anything
anymore.
Start building your own credit, even if it’s just with a
Boscov’s credit card for starters. Put away whatever spare money you can muster
up and keep it in a safe place. The goal is to be able to support yourself, and
your children, for about three months. Make provisions for your pets.
Secure jewelry, pictures, important documents, anything that
can’t possibly be replaced, do it slowly but definitely.
Secure medical or psychological records showing treatment
for addiction or sexually transmitted diseases or other serious, questionable
ailments, employment records showing warnings and dismissals with cause,
criminal allegations, and whatever else you could find and keep it for future
reference, or … leverage.
You must run a full credit report to look for “secret”
credit cards or other obligations to better be aware of what you’re up against
financially. www.FreeCreditReports.com.
This also gives you a good idea what your own almighty FICO score is.
With a few exceptions this all applies to whether you are
legally married or common law married, or just in a longstanding, intertwined
relationship with children and/or mutual property or other financial concerns
involved.
Get a mail box and start changing your mailing address
whenever possible. Use a Post Office box or get one at a UPS store. Those are
actually considered physical addresses and can be used when PO boxes are not
permitted as mailing address. Another benefit of a UPS mail box over a PO box
is that you will probably have 24/7 access to your mail.
Find a competent divorce counselor or mediator who can prepare
you and get you on the right track. Consider hiring a qualified private
investigator for leverage. Don’t involve your children under any circumstances.
They will go with you when it’s time. Most often they are aware that something
isn’t right.
Plan, don’t jump. You don’t want to get hurt any more than
you already are. Freedom and peace are waiting on the other side. Good luck.
Just as an FYI: 1 in 4
women is in an abusive relationship, 1 in 9 men is in an abusive relationship; 3
out of 4 people know someone who is or was in an abusive relationship; 33 million Americans
admit being in an abusive situation.
So, you are not alone. But you need to take action.
Follow
the new National Slogan Yourself
- Yes, You Can!
